


Left Ajar

by rocksalts



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, POV Dean Winchester, POV Jack Kline, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29619927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocksalts/pseuds/rocksalts
Summary: Jack doesn't understand what changed...hadn't Cas said that he was far from happy?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 16
Kudos: 90





	Left Ajar

_“Dean, uh, I’m starting to get worried, man. I… I really need to know if you’re okay. I’ve called you like twenty times on all your cells, and you’re not…  
_

_Jack and I—we’re…well, we’re alive. We can meet you there, or—or I guess you and Cas could meet us over here? But I just need a text or something to know that you’re okay. I just, ah…  
_

_I need you alive, Dean."_  


* * *

Jack didn’t have the full picture, only a fragment. That’s what Dean was now—just a piece of himself that was missing the rest.

That’s how they all were, without…Cas.

Sam had told him—after Dean first showed up and Jack had asked the dreaded question of “Where’s Cas?”—Sam had told him that it was better to keep his distance from Dean for now. That this time was different than the other times.

“He’s…almost at the end of his rope, Jack.” Sam had looked sad, the light in his eyes just barely there, a small flicker that needed tending to. He’d scratched at his face in thought.

“I’ve, uh, I’ve never seen him like this before. Dean—I don’t know how much more he can take. Not with Cas…”

Not with Cas gone.

That’s what Sam had meant to say.

Jack stares at the back of Dean’s head from the back seat of the impala. His expression is stony, Jack has seen it before—eyebrows drawn, lips pursed, eyes cold. It was the look Dean got when he was keeping something in. Or, more likely, keeping something from spilling out.

They stop at a gas station about three hours into the drive. Sam slides out of the passenger seat to fill up the tank. Dean only nods vaguely when Sam says he’s got snacks and drinks covered before slipping into the Gas-N-Sip.

Jack wants to say something. He wants to comfort. He knows Cas would comfort. So he takes a deep breath to start, and—

“Don’t.”

Jack frowns. “Don’t what?”

“Just—” Dean sighs. “I know what you want to say. I get it. I’m…”

He waits for Dean to finish.

“I just can’t right now,” he finally whispers.

Jack’s gaze cuts across to the rearview mirror, where, if he angles himself right, he can see Dean’s expression.

It takes another minute or two before Jack tries again. Softer, this time, to break the silence gently.

“I…don’t understand, Dean.”

When Dean lets the space be filled with quiet, Jack takes it as a sign to continue.

“I knew about Cas’ deal. He told me not to tell you or Sam, but…” Jack lets out a breath, working around his thoughts. “But Cas told me he was far from happy. I don’t understand what _changed_.”

Jack’s eyes are trained on the mirror.

Dean sits frozen to the spot, something like ice making a chill run down his spine and cool his blood.

For a moment he thinks that Billie is back. He even jerks a bit to look, when he feels the hold around his heart return. It’s so strong, so tight, that Dean caves forward a bit from the force of it.

_Far from happy._

The grip twists, presses harder.

Christ, how had Dean let him think that? How had Dean let himself sink so far down into his own emotions that Cas had really thought…that Cas didn’t think he could _have_ it.

Dean wasn’t exactly open, but he’d left Cas a key. A key that was always up for grabs, always ready to open Dean’s door and let everything come spilling out.

Somehow, Cas had used a bobby pin to force the door at the last possible moment. He’d said the words. He’d said ‘I love you.’ Cas had _told_ him. Cas was strong and brave and true.

And Cas didn’t think that Dean felt it, too.

So the door was more jammed than open. It was stuck, and Dean was somewhere between feeling everything at once and feeling nothing at all.

Because Cas had taken it with him. The key—the _stupid key_. He took it with him to the Empty, it was swallowed by black inky tendrils along with the rest of him.

And now Dean was left ajar.

He blinks up slowly, sees Sam’s form through the windows of the Gas-N-Sip. He remembers Cas, in a blue uniform, fiddling with a slushee machine that he had no business tending to.

And he remembers Cas, with Dean’s arm slung around him, the confused look after Dean told him that he’d had fun being with him.

He remembers Cas, by the river in a place that was ugly and pure and _theirs_ , in worn, dirty clothes. And Dean remembers that he hadn’t been happier to see anyone before—not in a place like that. Not after looking for so long.

He remembers Cas, the look on his face, the tilt of his head that had heartbreak written all over it, when Dean had forced himself to kick Cas out of the Bunker. He remembers watching Cas walk away. He remembers never wanting anything more than to have Cas _stay_. He remembers realizing that was all he ever wanted.

He remembers his anger. He remembers how it made Cas leave. He remembers the sound of Cas’ footsteps ascending the Bunker staircase, the sound of the door squealing to a shut behind him.

He remembers going back. Going back to the place that was theirs. He remembers how his knees ached after he stood from the ground, how his fingertips felt with the wet of his tears. He remembers relief, he remembers the key sliding into the lock. He remembers Cas withdrawing it. “I heard your prayer.” _But you didn’t hear my truth._

He remembers Cas, bloody and dying, looking Dean in the eyes when he told him “I love you.” When he dropped his gaze, told everyone else the same.

And Dean remembers Cas saying he was the cause of Cas’ change. He remembers the tears, tears he had never seen before, track down Cas’ cheeks. He remembers wanting to wipe them away. He remembers how it sounded like a prayer, how Cas praised his name. He remembers Cas confirming his goodbye. “Because it is,” he’d said. “I love you.”

He remembered the last words he ever heard, the last words that echoed in his mind: “Goodbye, Dean.”

Dean felt his heart sink again. Considers asking Sam to drive. Remembers Sam just lost the world.

So did he.

“Dean?” Jack asks. Dean meets his eyes in the mirror.

“What changed?” Dean repeats. He isn’t sure. Shakes his head a bit in thought.

“Nothing changed,” He decides. Dean sees Sam walking back towards the car, swallows hard to keep it contained, to keep his voice even. “That was the problem.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for this one pals <3


End file.
